I do know what I'm doing. I am breaking free from a force that has forgotten what it means to have fun; I am searching for the passion that got lost in the mix of press releases and pressures to be first. I am taking back my career. No one ever asks what I think or what I want when it comes to this sport, and not being given a choice makes me want the exact opposite of what I am handed, regardless of what it is or isn't. When they tell me to go left, I immediately turn right, and if they say up, I go down, only because I am sick of being told what to do. Right now I need a break, I need my family, and I need to remember why I do what I do in the first place. It might seem like I am slacking off to anyone who doesn't know me and how I work, but without a step back, I will surely snap within the next two weeks and not compete at all. And believe me - I want to, and I will be, swimming in the national championships. I have a lot to prove to every single person who has criticized me, even more to everyone who's offered me support, and mostly, I have a world to prove to myself. I will be there.

By the way, I am not dating Brady Collins in any way, shape or form. He is one of my closest friends, and we'd undoubtedly produce children far too attractive for this world (that is an inside joke, please don't take it out of context and write about how I want his children, for the love of God), but it is not happening. Now or later. I'm removing myself from that triangle, and I'm not going to comment on that anymore. Jayda is and always will be my best friend, we are not fighting, and in fact, I have written a poem about how much I love her:

Jayda Barclay with eyes so blue

Do you know how I love you?

Your perfect face and sweet sweet voice

I don't want to share you with any boys.

Jayda Barclay with eyes turned green
Do you know that you're my queen?

I love your bed and I love your shirts

And I miss you so much it really hurts.

Jayda Barclay with eyes changing still

Do you know I love you and always will?

You're my better half and my best friend

And I love you best, until the very end.

See? I miss my Jaybean. We don't hate each other. Stop saying shit like that, it makes me want to cry.