I've been meaning to make an update here for a few days now, about the trials and all, but honestly? I've been far too ecstatic and focused on nothing but swimming for the past little while. I got off to a rocky start, but as has been reported extensively, I've managed to make a pretty sweet comeback. I am still only five hours past my last race, where another record was set - how did I do that? - and am still at the top of an incredible adrelenine rush. I am also in complete shock and awe of myself, and I can't do much except sit here and ask my mum to pinch me over and over. I haven't woken up yet, and even my littlest brother whacking me in the arm didn't snap me out of this dream, nor did Alfie pulling my hair, so I guess... I guess this truly is my reality. Wow.

My times -
100m free: 52.88 (WR)
50m free: 23.97 (WR)

I've discounted the relay times, because they don't really count anyway - a new relay team will be formed as need be while the teams work out. I likely won't be on one - might be an alternate - as I'm returning to LA as planned, at least for a little while. I can't imagine the national coaches will let me stay away past June, even if I vow to keep up my training regime. Regardless, I think I've slightly changed my outlook on all of this, and suddenly I am seventeen again and my passion for this sport is at it's peak. No longer am I jaded and tired and irritated with the expectations and press. I've proven them all wrong, and I'm free to once again swim for swimming's sake alone. I've missed this.

Cheesy or not, I've got to thank my family and friends for all their support, from the stands and around the world. There are far too many to list, but the strongest voices I've gotten encouragement from: August, Alfie, Aly and Nick, Mum, Asher, Ainsley and Kevin and the kids, Dad and even you Abram; Jayda, Brady, Bailey, Peyton; Shaylee and her bitches, and all the young swimmers who still believe I am something to asipre to; everyone who's thought for a fleeting second that I might stand a chance - Thank you. I know I did this on my own, but I couldn't have done it without knowing you all believed in me.

Now it's time to party.

Love,
Aubrey

I am going to the motherfucking Olympics, bitches.

and then my life became an open book.

Has everyone been following the swim competition? Saturday I dropped seven seconds on my relay time, and thus lost a slot on the winning team's roster. I am not happy with myself over this, and have been training even harder this week to improve come my events on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. No one can be able to say I didn't give it all I've got, regardless of what happens, and I think that's more important than winning. Well, at least it's almost as important as winning.

But more importantly, my older brother, producer and songwriter extraordinnaire, has finally leaked some of his own music. Go HERE, and please send him messages telling him how perfect it is. At least one of the songs succeeded in bringing me to tears.

Jayda is finally here. She came in Sunday morning, smelling of beer and maple syrup and other Canadian goodyness, and I feel bad that I am sort of neglecting her to train. She understands though, and keeps my bed warm for when I return home after dark, and doesn't mind that my hair is cracking and stinky from the chlorine. Speaking of my hair, I cut it - bangs, do we like? And speaking of Jayda, I suppose now is as good a time as any to make the official announcement: we have signed with MTV for a 12 episode look into our lives, which will begin filming April 3rd, when Jay and I step off the plane from Sydney to Los Angeles. We will return to our bugged apartment in Jay's bugged car, and spend the next... who knows how long, in front of the cameras. I am not sure what the premise of this is going to be other than us being us; Jayda in the studio and touring, myself training for swim and reading scripts, shooting, who knows what else, and the two of us being our utterly ridiculous selves. Perhaps my brothers will come round or I will visit them, perhaps Jayda's will come round or we'll take a trip to Canada, maybe some friends of ours will drop by - I really have no idea what will be going on, but it's Jayda and myself so I can promise it'll be entertaining if nothing else.

And now, more photos. I know the majority of my hits are Soundwave fans, and I can respect that. Here are some Alfie photos to wet your whistles (or panties, whichever), and some of the rest of us, just for the hell of it.

Alfred, my gangster.
(Don't call him Alfred, only I can get away with that.)

Alyse, one of the secret Laines. Don't stalk her, please. She's going to kill me for posting this.

What can I say, I am a babe. A friend of mine sent me this and I was like, "Damn, I am smokin'!"

I love Buggy. He doesn't like me much lately, but I still love him the squishyest. And is he not perfect? He is perfect.

My favourites ever, completely smashed. In case you couldn't tell...

I do know what I'm doing. I am breaking free from a force that has forgotten what it means to have fun; I am searching for the passion that got lost in the mix of press releases and pressures to be first. I am taking back my career. No one ever asks what I think or what I want when it comes to this sport, and not being given a choice makes me want the exact opposite of what I am handed, regardless of what it is or isn't. When they tell me to go left, I immediately turn right, and if they say up, I go down, only because I am sick of being told what to do. Right now I need a break, I need my family, and I need to remember why I do what I do in the first place. It might seem like I am slacking off to anyone who doesn't know me and how I work, but without a step back, I will surely snap within the next two weeks and not compete at all. And believe me - I want to, and I will be, swimming in the national championships. I have a lot to prove to every single person who has criticized me, even more to everyone who's offered me support, and mostly, I have a world to prove to myself. I will be there.

By the way, I am not dating Brady Collins in any way, shape or form. He is one of my closest friends, and we'd undoubtedly produce children far too attractive for this world (that is an inside joke, please don't take it out of context and write about how I want his children, for the love of God), but it is not happening. Now or later. I'm removing myself from that triangle, and I'm not going to comment on that anymore. Jayda is and always will be my best friend, we are not fighting, and in fact, I have written a poem about how much I love her:

Jayda Barclay with eyes so blue

Do you know how I love you?

Your perfect face and sweet sweet voice

I don't want to share you with any boys.

Jayda Barclay with eyes turned green
Do you know that you're my queen?

I love your bed and I love your shirts

And I miss you so much it really hurts.

Jayda Barclay with eyes changing still

Do you know I love you and always will?

You're my better half and my best friend

And I love you best, until the very end.

See? I miss my Jaybean. We don't hate each other. Stop saying shit like that, it makes me want to cry.