Don't it always seem to go....

You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.

There are statements to be made and questions to be answered, but quite frankly, I can't be bothered. Life isn't fair, I've known all along, but am only now learning how true those words are and just how much they sting. But everything happens for a reason, and maybe somehow all of this is a blessing in disguise. The harder the silver lining is to find, the brighter it always seems to shine once revealed.

Statements will come later and questions will be put off; for now there are wounds to nurse and minds to ease, and an escape sounds perfect. The party is still on, never fear. After my birthday passes, life will go back to as normal as life can go back to after all of these messes, and maybe we'll all realize it's time to move on.

I'll come around. Just don't give up on me.

Fact of the Day.

Have you ever wondered why Aubrey Laine doesn't make friends with women? That one's easy! - because everytime she does, they end up running off with her brothers! Awesome!

Take Two.

Tonight begins a new way of life, and while cameras will still be following close it will be of my own volition for once, and I'll have my two favourite people in the entire universe with me all the while. The former arrangements with MTV fell through (needless to say, I should imagine) but I managed to add my dear brothers into the mix and work out a new deal. So the three of us, come late summer (likely they want to coincide things with both the Olympics, and Soundwave's yet to be scheduled North American release and tour - because they are going to blow up thanks to this show - around the same timeframe), will be all over MTV. I personally hope we turn vegemite sandwiches into a new trend.

One of the perks I've just recently discovered via my business manager? MTV is going to foot the bill for my birthday party, meaning I don't have to lift either a finger or gold card and it'll probably be the biggest party I've yet been to - other than those hall-wide uni parties I used to follow August to, although that's an entirely different scene altogether. I just send a list of what I want and they will have it all done up just how I like it. I haven't yet decided on any of it, I'm waiting for August to get here so I can consult him on the matter. May 3rd though; keep your calendars clear. Yeah, I could definitely get used to this.

I've yet to find a house, but again with August arriving tomorrow, I will consult him (he's my personal life coach, basically) and in his all-knowing ways he will yay or nay what I have seen thus far and point me in the right direction. Or he will just find something perfect for me while Alfie and I spar on the streets of Bel Air, Matrix style, and get ourselves booted from the neighbourhood before we're even officially in.

There are plenty more ridiculously crazy plans Alfie and I have made, but for the sake of spoilers and potential criminal implications, I had best not reveal them all here. I will however apologize endlessly to Soundwave fans for getting my Bug tied up a bit longer and the tour inevitably postponed even further, however I am certain MTV Australia will pick this up for you all and it'll be worth it - we'll let them air our No Diggity dance and it'll definitely be worth it.

You haven't seen anything until you've seen Alfie Isaac Laine dropping it like it's hot.

This is my favourite kid in all the world. He's not really a kid anymore at nineteen and with several million albums sold and world tours under his super fashionable belt, but he's still my little baby brother and will stay that way forever. Despite being a good Barbie doll taller than me, Alfred is always going to be my little buggy and for the record, no one else is allowed to call him either of those thing - Alfred or Buggy - because that is Aubrey Exclusive and he even hates it when I call him that. But I do anyway. I get away with it because I'm me.

So at 7am yesterday I made it to LAX to welcome this perfect little bug to America, waiting with coffee and love, and a tiny I <3 LA t-shirt for my dogniece who also came. Having the two of them here has made my month, and has made all the bullshit I've been putting up with worth it. I don't know how long he's staying, hopefully until after my birthday (which is in 19 days) or actually I'd like to keep him forever but I can't be selfish and do that, the world loves my Bug and I have to share. Reluctantly.

I can't get over how talented my little brother is and I know I am not the only one out here awed by his awesomeness (I check the Soundwave boards every day mostly and none of you ever believe its me but it is!) but I have watched this kid be amazing since he was whacking mum in the gut from the inside and looked like a little beetle on the screen - hence his nickname, Bug. I remember him banging on pots and pans before he could stand up, and sitting between August and I pounding away on the piano before he was tall enough to reach the keys without getting pulled up - and actually somehow making it melodic. I remember when he stole the show at a filming he and I and a few of our other siblings were in for Uncle Murray, and how impressed everyone was when I'd tell them that was my nine year old brother playing Hotel California from inside. I guess what I am saying is, he's always been this amazing at what he does, and it's always blown me away. I was jealous of it when we were little, but now I just feel my heart explode with pride. I'm going to talk him in an LA show while he was here, and America will get to see for themselves what I am talking about. This kid is a genius, and not only is he brlliant, but he is the sweetest person I've ever known - how many rockstars do you know who hold doors for ladies (not just the super hot ones either, all of them) and still live at home because they just love their family so much? Not many - just my Bug, the greatest rockstar who ever lived.

Anyway, I have to awaken the Most Talented Kid In The Universe from his jetlagged beauty sleep now, and know for a fact he is going to punch me in the stomach for writing all this sap about him. Oh well, it's true and he knows it.

If you do one thing before you die, get really drunk and play Rockband with a bunch of crazy Hollywood Hills kids. Shoot some Jager then fire up the X-Box, and give Shirley Manson a run for her ridiculously sexy money. I swear, you won't regret a fucking thing. And I totally owned my babydaddy (David Bowie), NIN and Courtney Love too, for the record. I should be a rockstar.

There is hockey on and I have no idea what's going on. Attractive men keep punching each other... I could learn to enjoy this.

I am homeless and trying to choose a new neighbourhood. Glendale, Brentwood, or Venice? Honestly, there are thousands of neighbourhoods in LA and I am having trouble narrowing it down, those three just popped up. I've moved out of my place in Castellammare and am kind of thinking of actually getting a house instead of just an apartment... I don't know why I feel like settling suddenly, but California makes me happy. Anyway, I have no idea where to look and I am going to make Alfie come apartment/house shopping with me, he is much better at making decisions than I am and we are going to need somewhere to stay while he's here. Also I want him to come furniture shopping with me because he has amazing taste in everything. Why is he single? He is like the perfect man.

Here is my dirty laundry: I'm proud of you for finally standing up to my bullshit, but it hurts more than I'd expected. Now I know how emptiness feels and now I know what it means to be entirely alone. Now I have no one to blame but myself - but we're all better off that way anyway. I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry. Don't forgive me, just know that I really am sorry. And I really do love you.

Finally, Jaeda Calviston is a smokin hot babe, and also a very sweet person. It doesn't happen much, and I am going to set her up with my little brother if it's the last thing I do. That is all for today.

To my family:

I’m sorry I didn’t turn out how you had hoped. I’m sorry I taught you things you had no business knowing. I’m sorry I called you a bitch. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I played favourites and put you against one another. I’m sorry I slept with your roommate. I’m sorry I tried to send you back, more than once. I’m sorry I don’t know your kids. I’m sorry for never being good enough for you. I’m sorry for being a shitty role model. I’m sorry I ruined tequila for you. I’m sorry I laughed when you panicked over exams. I’m sorry I can’t come back. I’m sorry for the broken bottles. I’m sorry for screwing up. I’m sorry for getting lost out here. I’m sorry I ruined our vacation. I’m sorry for picking on you endlessly. I’m sorry I don’t know you better. I’m sorry for feeding your goldfish to the wallaby. I’m sorry I stole your favourite pants. I’m sorry for missing your graduation. I’m sorry I never had one myself. I’m sorry for getting drunk at your wedding. I’m sorry I never listened. I’m sorry I don’t know you better, either. I’m sorry I can’t support you in this. I’m sorry I made you cry. I’m sorry I let you down, too. I’m sorry I lied. I’m sorry I changed.

Someday, I hope I can make it up to you. I love you, all of you.

Love,
Aubrey

It all seems perfect
But there are moments when I feel nothing at all
Same as always -
Now it's repeating all over again

Night after night, you'd say you'll move on
So what's holding you back?
"I don't know. "

Don't feel sorry
There's no reason to fight any more
Tears are coming, years are going
I hope we learn something.

So what's holding me back?
"I don't know... I don't know."

I don't know.



Still no word on AOC's decision. Leaving Whitsundays tomorrow, because we're being stalked. Going back to LA, I'm in hot water with MTV for breaching contractual obligations to arrive last week. Have no idea where I'll stay; can't go home. Can't stay here, can't go back.

Not quite rock bottom, not quite a brick wall.

Confusion abound.

Real classy, going behind his back like that. Do you really think he won't find out? He won't be upset when the truth comes out? Spare me the bullshit, and pay attention to the consequences. Is it really worth it?


An allegory.